ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
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[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
yes, those are my real potatoes.
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then