Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
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What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
5 ways to appear taller
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant