Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
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me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?