Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
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My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
plums roundup
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.