Ffs laughed out loud 😂
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I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.