Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
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I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.