My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
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I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
Breaking news:
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.