I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
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“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
A huge thanks to the person that did this
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*