If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
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[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
This squirrel eats better than I do