Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
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How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting