A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
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A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
this FaceApp is creepy af
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
eating my hot dog hamburger style
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
How to properly lift a body
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.