Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
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im getting some exciting spam emails lately
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.