NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
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the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
This probably isn’t good
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper