Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
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me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
Taliband
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota