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ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
craving $300 all of a sudden
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
Cats are still liquid.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me