The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
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I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
wish me luck lads
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.