Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
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If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
May have had one breakfast too many
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
Why is everyone getting married at me
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.