Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
You Might Also Like
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
hi why am I like this
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️