Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
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Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.