Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
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BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
My wife has the worst taste in men.
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings