Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
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Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
I identify as an antique shop.
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park