When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
You Might Also Like
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
😂😂😂
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
Peter Parker Peter Driver
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
fired
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE