What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
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Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible