my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
You Might Also Like
when dads have a rap battle
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT