I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
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Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?