Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
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Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
idk flipping houses looks really hard
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.