[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
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The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.