I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
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My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
they should invent a rest for the wicked
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
You can’t rush stupid.
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.