Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
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Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.