American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
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USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
A bold strategy
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles