[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
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I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.