“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
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twitter users today:
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
reviewed some movies recently
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
Oops I deleted….
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.