MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
You Might Also Like
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
Wife: “There’s this new show on Max, or Apple, or Prime. I can’t remember, but we should watch it.”
Me: “What’s it called?”W: “ummmm”
Me: “What’s it about?”
W: “I don’t remember, but it looked like something I would like.”
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.