When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
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My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks