HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
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If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
March 16
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*