WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
You Might Also Like
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms