Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
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A ghost story
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.