Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
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WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
my favorite genre of twitter
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.