In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
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[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?