My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
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Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
man i love columbo
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?