I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
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Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.