4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
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Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
Not today. 😅
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!