In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
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It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained