Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
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If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
finally found a reasonable question
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here