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I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”