if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
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date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying