That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
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You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?