I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
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I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.