Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
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Cancer: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
I just tested negative for patience.
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.