I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
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Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
felt cute might bury dad later idk
Boating season is upon us.
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call